


America's Next Top Villain

by scowlofjustice



Category: Megamind (2010)
Genre: Bureaucracy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-17 22:08:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2324906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scowlofjustice/pseuds/scowlofjustice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With a gaping absence of decent villains in Metro City, our new hero, Megamind, is holding auditions for the role.  Prospects are bleak.  Also, bureaucracy is a pain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	America's Next Top Villain

**Author's Note:**

> Half of this fic is footnotes within footnotes within footnotes. I mean it. The story itself is bordering on becoming irrelevant.

A sopping wet man sauntered across the now deserted audition space.  His glasses were askew, his dirty-blond hair was wild, and a single black sock decorated with blue lightning bolts was stuck to his shoulder.

A trio of bemused judges watched his progress.  In the center sat Roxanne Ritchi, flanked by the ex-supervillain Megamind, and his minion, Minion, the henchfish who got around via robotic gorilla suit.  All three of them had been previously sitting with glazed expressions after an unproductive day of searching for Metro City's next villain.  Although Megamind had been named the new hero of the city, there were a few obstacles.  One was cutting through the bureaucratic red-tape of The National Registry of Heroes and Villains, which, while not the main reason why heroes and villains are reluctant to change position, is one of the big ones.  The sudden switch has also been especially problematic for The League of Inept Villains, a society of which Megamind has been the long standing president.  Without their leader, the L.I.V. had been forced to go through an impromptu reelection process, which is the subject of another story.

The real matter at hand is the fact that until Megamind could secure a nefarious arch-nemesis, something inside was deeply amiss.  Also, finding said nemesis was mandated,* so he’d been posting help wanted ads throughout the city.

The dour man in the center of the room plucked the sock off of his shoulder and flung it to the floor.  "This," he said, "has been the worst day of my entire life."  He was referring to the fact that he had just woken up in an ex-villain's washing machine.

"Excuse me," called out Roxanne, "are you here for the audition?"

The man looked up, noticing them for the first time.  "Oh, it's you again," he said to Megamind. "And I see you've brought along a wildly inaccurate Roxanne Ritchi impersonator."  He regarded the three of them with disgust etched on every line of his face.  “Is this like some sort of perverted role-play you people are into?”

Roxanne opened her mouth to say something but the man cut her off with a wave of the hand.  “Look lady, I do _not_ want to know.”  He yawned.  "I'm going to skip on this little costume party you people have going on here.  How do I get out of this place?"

Minion, ever helpful, was the first one to pipe up.  "Ah, yes.  The nearest exit is down that hall and straight ahead.  Now, of course you'll want to avoid the alligator pit which is erroneously—"

"Whatever," said the dripping man, not listening.  The three of them watched either helplessly or apathetically as, ignoring the fish's advice, he made his way to the door marked 'Exit' which was not an exit but rather was an abbreviation of 'Exciting.'  He disappeared with a choked cry and the sound of disco music as he fell into the alligator pit.

"Sir, you _really_ need to empty your pockets more often," Minion groaned across the table to Megamind.

"Pfft.  Bernard'll be _fine_ ," said Megamind with a dismissive wave of his hand.  "It's a shame, though," he added, "that he has no interest in a career of villainy.  He has such an admirable distaste for humanity."

"Bernard as a _villain?_ " Asked an incredulous Roxanne.

"Oh, not really," said Megamind.  "But anything looks hopeful compared to this rubble we've been dealing with all day.  None of these people have any sense of _style_.  Their witty banter was deplorable.  And their plans were horribly inept—even by my standards.  It seems as though Metrocity is filled with nothing but rank _armatures_."

Roxanne thought of correcting Megamind but thought better of it. 

“In this day and age, there is only one true Evil left—and it cannot be contained within single individuals, I’m afraid.”  Megamind added.

Roxanne raised an eyebrow and Minion leaned in.

“America’s Top Villain,” Megamind continued, “will always be…Corporate Evil.”

 

* * *

*The following information is provided courtesy of the National Registry of Heroes and Villains:

 

Section 9C on page 17.5 of form 147-F stipulates that a suitable arch nemesis must be found for said newly transferred hero/villain1 within three months.  Adequate documentation for said nemesis with suitable proof of his/her allegiance on the opposite side must also be provided both on Subsections E-H of Section D on page 34Q of form 147-F, and Section Y of page 23 of form 1,378-A.  Additionally, said nemesis must also be filed separately as a registered hero/villain of the opposite persuasion with the National Registry of Heroes and Villains, or any of its approved subsidiaries.  
  
Failure to provide appropriate documentation within the given amount of time will result in a void application—those still intending on switching allegiance must restart the application process.  
  
It is also suggested that, in the failure of a potential hero to find a single nemesis, that one consider a line of justice through local underground crime fighting—such applicants are directed toward the Department of Vigilantes, where they may obtain the appropriate paperwork, namely form 201-Z.

The National Registry of Heroes and Villains:  Is the Necessary Evil that works for the Greater Good of Good and for the Greater Good of Bad.  
  
_______  
1—Any applicant filing a change of allegiance must undergo a series of psychological evaluations to determine the validity† of said change, and pass a physical exam and either a sensory or supersensory exam. ‡  Additionally, said newly transferred hero/villain must also comply with the regulations which state that one must go through a 6-month probationary period in which one is not to revert to previous heroic or villainous habits. ‡‡ The newly transferred hero/villain, during this period of time, must also obtain a temporary probationary permit from office 9-C on floor three of the Ministry of Heroic and Villainous Activity.  Prior to the end of the probationary period, one must also apply for the full license and exam for their desired position.  Exam dates are updated regularly on the Registry's website.  
___  
† Additionally, proof of new allegiance must be secured by scoring 26 points or higher within the following Heroic Achievements System:***  
Class I Heroic Acts (worth 1.5 points each)  
Class II Heroic Acts (worth 2.8 points each)  
Class III Heroic Acts (worth 4 points each)  
Class V (there is no class IV) Heroic Acts (worth 5.2 points each)  
With the signatures of at least 3 eyewitnesses per event, plus the date and time of each Act.  
  
The same also applies for would-be villains using the system of Class I-V Villainous Acts.

‡A waiver may be obtained for incorporeal entities.  
  
‡‡The exception to this regulation can be found in Clause XIX of the Heroes' and Villains' Code which grants the right of alter-egos to any Hero or Villain, provided that they are also properly registered under the name of the party that wishes to use them, with the intended purposes of said alter-ego(s) detailed in Section 4 of the Alternate Identities Form which can be obtained in the Hidden Office of Secret Identities within the Registry Building.  Nobody really knows where this office is.  It is generally advised to wander around the building until one stumbles upon it.  Alternatively, a PDF of this form may be downloaded at the Registry's website, and mailed in to:  
  
Hidden Office of Secret Identities  
National Registry of Heroes and Villains  
The PO Box Previously Numbered 241543903  
Lansing, Michigan 48909

***A full chart listing Heroic/Villainous Acts Classes I-V is available at the Office of Heroic and Villainous Virtues across the street from the Registry.  Ask Bernard for directions.  He used to work there.

 

* * *

One does not simply walk in on Corporate Evil.  This is precisely why Corporate was so bemused to see the man standing before them.  
  
"You look terrible," said Corporate.  
  
The man, who looked as though he had just walked through a tornado of sharks, snorted and tossed what was left of his brown blazer onto a nearby chair.  "So do you," he retorted.  His glasses were somehow not askew, but the left lens had been shattered.  The man was covered in scratches, and there were several holes in his blue turtleneck sweater.  
  
"A shapeshifter looks however they want, whenever they want," said Corporate, crossing their arms.  
  
"Pfft," said Bernard.  "You're limited only to forms that embody the spirit of Corporate Evil and its effects on the world.  And I can't decide whether you're uglier on the inside or the outside at the moment."  
  
Corporate Evil scowled, all three dozen of them.  They were currently taking on the form of an army of Donald Trumps.  "You're fired."


End file.
